Thursday, July 28, 2011

just one of those days





My thoughts are bleeding this morning
It is a beautiful  summer morning
The locusts are humming and squirrel highway ( the large mulberry tree in the back yard) is busy.

I don't know whether it was a dream
or the stress of things going on
but I am feeling a little funky this morning

Having lost my family at such young ages
My dad was just 45 and my mom 52 when they left this world.
Sometimes I wonder if it was God's plan that I am alone
 I have a wonderful family
My girls and Paul are amazing
 and I would give everything that I have to give to keep them happy and safe
but somedays
I just miss my mom.

I have struggled with my faith for so long.
I believe in God and I love God
but I harvest anger
and often wonder why a loving God would leave me without family.
There are times when I have questions about my life and family
and there is not a single person to ask.

Before she passed away my grandma blessed me with lots of stories and history
that as hard as I hold tight to..
I am slowly losing grasp of.

I think about my dad
As I come closer to 40
I would have loved to have known him as a "grown up"
He would have loved my girls so much.

And my mom
We bumped heads A lot.
She was strong, stubborn, funny and loving all at the same time.
She had a hard life
but she was a good mom.
She would love to be in the company of my family now..
my girls have a lot of her personalityy
They would make her smile.

 My mom loved Paul
she introduced us when I was just 17.
She wrote me a letter that she gave me on the night before he and I got married.
She talks about her love for me and him and how that she knew that if anything ever happened to her that she knew that I would be safe, loved and happy.
I cherish this letter.
.. and I am safe, loved and happy 



Today I will call on a little help from God.
Maybe take a boat ride with Paul
Breath in the fresh salty air
I will reflect and give thanks to the time that I did  have with my family
and I will cherish this special time with my own little family

Peace to you all.



22 comments:

Madelief said...

Oh Leslie,

I so feel for you. Really don't know what to say. I still have both my parents and am very grateful for this. You are fortunate to have the letter and such good memories. Why don't you write them down, if you are afraid of losing them. Perhaps it helps!

Take care!

Lieve groet, Madelief xox

Angie@Echoes of Laughter said...

Oh Leslie! I think we are all prone to have 'sad days' every so often. So sorry to hear that you lost your Mom & Dad at such a young age. My heart goes out to you. I know a family that recently lost their dad and they celebrated his birthday with a special dinner and pictures & remembrances of him and it really helped them. I wish I had a piece of advice to help soothe your soul, but please know that I am thinking about you today! Angie xo

Happier Than a Pig in Mud said...

Hey Leslie! Sounds like a nice quite boat ride with Paul would be perfect. Hug the dogs, enjoy the day, wishing you peace:@)

Pumpkin said...

((((HUGS))))

Blondie's Journal said...

I often think how life would be if my parents were still here. I'm happy my mom was here when my girls were born because she gave me so much advice and taught me so many things about motherhood. She would love to see them now. When I start remembering them both, and feel a little down, I try to remember the good times. Hang in there, Leslie.

XO,
Jane

It's Just Dottie said...

Leslie! God loves you so much
and His ways are higher than ours. Sometime life is hard to understand,but He is faithful.
In my life my losts have been big and oh so hard to understand but He always had a plan for me!
I live every day ,the sad ones and the happy ones to the fullest and give God the glory.
I am lifting you up today,sweet friend.
Dottie
Love,Dottie

Julie Harward said...

You made me cry. I miss my mom too and there are times when I want to just call her so bad and talk. But, I do KNOW that she and dad watch over me and their other children. Who knows why life goes the way it does, I think we chose many things for our life here here before we came to earth to live. Sometimes, I think I was a much braver person there. Hold tight to your loved ones, I know that at times this life seems like all there is but there will be a hereafter and families are forever..I KNOW this. Sending you a BIG HUG! :D

Country Dreaming said...

I so know what you are talking about. it is rough to lose our parents. Especially when they aer young but it is hard at any age.
I miss my Mom and Dad too.
Take the day and enjoy your memories. Paul is there to help just as I have Mr. Ken and they are great helpers to us. Hold tight and just let him know what you need.

Take Care.

Melinda

~Kim at Golden Pines~ said...

I know how you feel to miss your parents--I never knew that I could miss someone so much as I do my own Mother....I hope you are able to find comfort and peace in your heart and find that needed faith that it's 'all part of a bigger plan' that we sometimes just cannot see...

Lee Ann said...

hugs to you my friend xx i think your plan for today sounds like the right thing to do. i can only imagine how much you miss your mum. more hugs xxx

Formerly known as Frau said...

((hugs)) I'm sharing your tears today...I hope your memories of your family give you strength on days like today. xo

Kathryn D. Duke said...

Blessings Leslie...I hope the Lord lifted you as the day went by!!
Sometimes we just do not understand, do we.

Gina said...

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. My heart goes out to you. {{{big hugs}}}

Katharine said...

I know when you call...He hears you. I'm praying for comfort, and peace and knowing that yo are never alone.((hugs)) Thank you, thank you,thank you for the mail I recieved today!!!(I almost cried) I was having a difficult day today as well, and you absolutely made it wonderful!!

All That Glitters said...

You are so brave first of all. I don't put my feeling out there like I should. I have depression bad right now. I'm not taking meds either. We don't have insurance. I've gained 25 pounds too. I just wished I had a normal decent family. I feel I have nothing. Your not alone girl.

It's me said...

Oh Leslie...i miss my mom too.....my dad died 18 years ago......the time with my mom was wonderful......i miss her darling...i feel with you...we have the same pain......love you darling...big hug from me....xxx...

Leslie said...

Leslie, I am personally going through a difficult time, as well although I must say that I still have my parents and can't imagine life without them right now. I'm so sorry and can feel your pain through your heartfelt words. Please remember that God Loves You soooo much, and He has a plan for your life--He has good things for you. You have me prayers, Girlie.

Thank you for commenting on my tropical bars--I'm glad you've tried them! Maybe a good boat ride and a treat is just what you need today.
Blessings,
Leslie

Melanie said...

I'm so sorry Leslie. I left home at age 17 because both my parents were addicts and never got back to having a relationship with them really (and now my father has passed) so I know what it feels like. No matter how good things are now, I absolutely have moments out of nowhere where I feel adrift and am overwhelmed with a sense of loss. I never know when it will hit but when it does, it's clear my heart is still broken and probably always will be in some ways in regards to them. Part of being a grown-up, I guess. :(

My Farmhouse Kitchen said...

hi leslie...i know how you feel....i am alone too...i lost my dad at age 8 in an airplane accident...and my mom 5 years ago when i turned 50 due to pancreatic cancer...

i hold my dog tight...and my husband too...

but it seems strange to be so alone...

wishing you a peaceful heart, my friend

and sending love,
kary and teddy
xx

wachete said...

You have been blessed withe the memories of your parents and we have been blessed with you. LOve ya sunshine...Keep on keepin on...

Freckled Hen said...

Hugs to you, Leslie. Your words are so eloquent...so strong. I'm sorry you lost your parents so young. I hope your weekend brought you strength and love, you are an amazing person!

Brandi said...

dear Leslie, I'm sorry for the loss of your parents. i know just how you feel. i lost my parents years ago too. i have days when i feel the same way. sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. but i know they are watching over me and i truly believe that one day we will see them again. you are a beautiful mother and wife and i know your parents are very proud of you and your girls. take care.